What Do You Know? Part One

In mid-January of this year my wife and I flew from Georgia to Florida to visit my mother’s grave. The evening before the unveiling, Nancy cried out from the hotel bathroom, “Ow! Ow!”  She came out complaining of the worst headache of her life.

I am a registered nurse. I know those words describe the classic symptoms of a brain hemorrhage. Within seconds I called the front desk and told them to call 911. A few hours later Nancy was undergoing emergency brain surgery to stop the bleeding and to relieve the intracranial pressure that would have killed her – or worse – if it had not been relieved.

Nancy spent the next three weeks in the intensive care unit at the Boca Raton Regional Hospital. She spent the last of four weeks in an acute rehabilitation hospital where she met each day with physical, occupational and speech/cognitive therapies. 

We returned home to Georgia  after nearly five weeks to begin a long road to what we continue to pray is full recovery. 

I did not do our nightmare well. What was and is most distressing for me is the undisguisable recognition that while Nancy was in the ICU for three weeks, what I have taught and preached for 46 years about faith and trust in God turned out to be completely insufficient for myself. I found myself losing trust in God to answer my prayers and the prayers of everyone else. 

My faltering faith embarrassed me. It was so bad I half-expected God pull the rug completely out from under me. I was in absolute turmoil. I’d never experienced anything like that in my entire 46 years of Christian life and I suddenly discovered I am not at all the mature Christian I thought I was. 

Like Peter, who lived with the Lord for three years and who believed with all his being that he would never deny His Lord, I have lived with the Lord all these decades and never would have believed I could be so weak in my faith. 

So, what is my point in telling this to you? I have two points. Point number one is this: God’s mercy is unfathomable. 

The subtle and not-so-subtle accusations and fears I’d expressed in my heart toward God should have earned me His anger, His resentment, His dismissal of my soul from His presence.  How dare I – after 46 years of life-experience with Him and with such a wealth of Bible knowledge – how dare I succumb to the fears inspired by the devil himself?  How dare I not turn my heart toward God and say to Him, “Not my will, but Thine be done?” 

But God did not dismiss me. He did not resent me. He was not angry with me. He did not give me what I deserved. 

I’ve written a few times about the verbal exchange between the Lord and Peter recorded in the last chapter of John’s gospel. That exchange came back to me a few days before I sat down to type this essay and it is important to the message of God’s mercy toward us. 

The New Testament writers used two words for “love” – phileo and agape. Phileo (fil-EH-oh) carries the idea of a close fraternal affection. The special friendship of David and Jonathan is an example of phileo love. (1 Samuel 18:1-3). Agape love is often used to describe God's unconditional, merciful, and enduring love for you and me. It’s also the same kind of love He commands us to have for Him and for others.  

Beginning with verse 15 of John chapter 21 we read this: When they had finished breakfast, Jesus said to Simon Peter, "Simon, son of John, do you love (agape) me more than these?” He said to him, "Yes, Lord, you know that I love (phileo) you.” He said to him, "Feed my lambs.” 

He then said to him a second time, "Simon, son of John, do you love (agape) me?” He said to him, "Yes, Lord, you know that I love (phileo) you." He said to him, "Tend my sheep.” 

He said to him the third time, "Simon, son of John, do you love (phileo) me?” Peter was distressed that he had said to him a third time, "Do you love (phileo) me?” and he said to him, "Lord, you know everything; you know that I love (phileo) you.” (Jesus) said to him, "Feed my sheep.” 

A modern version of the conversation might sound something like this: 

“Peter, do you love me with all your heart?”
“Lord, I have great affection for you.”
“Feed My lambs.”
“Peter, do you really love me?”
“Lord, I think you are wonderful.”
“Tend My sheep.”
“Peter, do you have great affection for me?”
“Lord, you know I do.”
“Feed My sheep.”

Two things caught my attention in this exchange between the Lord and Peter. First, Peter felt miserable about his thrice denial of his best friend and Lord. Miserable, and self-condemned. But then I noticed how the Savior tried to help Peter move beyond his guilt. When Peter wouldn't say – couldn’t say – he loved Jesus, the Lord came down to his level: “Okay, my friend. Do you have affection for me?” 

How like Christ to be so gentle to our wounded spirits. 

The second thing I noticed here – and this is equally important – after each agape/phileo exchange the Lord’s charge to Peter was essentially the same: “Feed My sheep.” 

In other words, “Peter, I know you feel guilty, but your repentance restored our relationship. Your sorrow and guilt are unnecessary. Don’t let them keep you from your task to tend My flock." 

How like the merciful Christ to call us out of our sorrow. How like Him to renew our relationship – vessels of clay that we are – and set us about the work He’s given us to do. 

But here now is how the Lord applied this verbal exchange to my circumstances a few days ago:  

“Richard, do you trust me with all your heart?”
“Lord, I trust you a little”

“Feed My lambs.”

“Richard, do you trust me with all your heart?”
“Lord, I trust you a little.”

“Tend My sheep.”

“Richard, do you trust me a little?”
“Yes, Lord, I trust you a little.”
“Feed My sheep.”

This is important not only for me, but for some of you reading this who may be going through your own continuing nightmare: Our merciful God always comes to us, again and again and again, to wrap His tender arms around you and me and come down to our level in order to raise us up to His. 

Did I sense His embrace during my turmoil? No. I did not. But in retrospect, remembering all the times someone sent me an email or a letter of encouragement, remembering all the financial support so many sent to us while we were in Florida, remembering all the times the Holy Spirit led me to the right person at the right time to help me get through another maze of urgent and not-so-urgent ‘to-do’ lists when it was all I could do to remember my phone number – remembering all those times makes me now very conscious of His tender arms embracing me.

It is His abundant mercy that He did NOT give me what my faithlessness deserved. He instead gave me what I so desperately needed. And He is doing the same for you right now in your own nightmare – whether you can feel Him or not. 

The second thing God taught me occurred after I’d left Nancy at the rehabilitation hospital for the evening.  I will share that lesson next time, in part two.  https://thecontemplativecatholicconvert.blogspot.com/2019/03/what-do-you-know-part-two.html