The Catholic Church teaches (in part) about Purgatory
this way:
The Church gives the name Purgatory to this final purification
of the elect, which is entirely different from the punishment of the damned . .
. . The tradition of the Church, by reference to certain texts of Scripture,
speaks of a cleansing fire: . . . before
the Final Judgment, there is a purifying fire. He who is truth says that
whoever utters blasphemy against the Holy Spirit will be pardoned neither in
this age nor in the age to come. From this sentence we understand that certain
offenses can be forgiven in this age, but certain others in the age to come. (Paragraph 1031)
To
understand this doctrine and practice of the Church, it is necessary to
understand that sin has a double
consequence. Grave sin deprives us of communion with God and therefore
makes us incapable of eternal life, the privation of which is called the
"eternal punishment" of sin. On the other hand every sin, even
venial, entails an unhealthy attachment to creatures, which must be purified
either here on earth, or after death in the state called Purgatory. . . . (Paragraph 1472)
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To Him who loves us and released us from
our sins by His blood (Revelation 1:5)
I think I know what purgatory is. I caught a glimpse of it one morning in October 2011 when I attended a men's meeting at my parish. More than two years later it remains fresh in my memory.
I didn’t think too long about that morning’s topic of
abortion. Why should I? Although I’d driven my girlfriend to an abortion clinic
some 45 years earlier, I confessed and repented of that sin decades ago. And I believed
Scripture’s promise that He had wiped my sin spotless in Christ’s precious
blood.
So I walked into the meeting only mildly curious about
the video and the discussion that would follow.
But ten minutes into the program I received a gut-wrenching
epiphany. For the first time in more than four decades my eyes opened to the depth
of my abortion sin, an immeasurable depth I’d never known existed. White-hot shame
seared into my bowels. Waves of unrelenting guilt swept over me like a tsunami, sucking
away my breath, only to return churning ravaged memories through my mind.
I could not watch the video any longer. I grabbed my coat and stumbled from the room into the cold October morning. It was all I could do to get into my car before irrepressible sobs convulsed through my body.
“What are you doing to me!” I screamed at
heaven, horrified, confused, angry. “Why did you show that to me! Oh, God! What have I done! What have I done!”I could not watch the video any longer. I grabbed my coat and stumbled from the room into the cold October morning. It was all I could do to get into my car before irrepressible sobs convulsed through my body.
“I don’t . . . I don’t deserve even to live!”
I could not comprehend
why God, who buried my crime in the sea of Christ’s blood four decades earlier,
why He brought me to my knees like this. Why slash open my soul? Why lay me in the
ashes of my past?
It was not until hours later, after processing
what God had done to me, I caught a glimpse of understanding.
My abortion is only one of countless sins
I’ve committed in my life, sins I’ve confessed, sins that have been forgiven,
sins that have been immersed in the blood of Christ. The young women I turned
into whores. The fledgling faith in Christ of others that I’d shattered. The
families I destroyed as I seduced wives into adultery. The litany of my wickedness
and the destruction I left in my wake seem to me, even now, near endless. Yes, I remain confident of God’s forgiveness for each one of those terrible acts; But my experience that October morning taught me – and reminds me even to this day – I have not fully comprehended the depth and breadth of all those sins. Further, I know I can never fully comprehend them unless God reveals them to me.
And He will
reveal them to me.
Purgatory, I believe, will be that revelation. Perhaps it
will unfold something like this:
I am dead. My guardian angel ushers me to my Father’s
presence. I see Him seated on His throne. Jesus is beside Him. And like the
difference between absolute darkness and blinding light, I am suddenly
self-aware, more self-aware than I could ever have been in life.
My Father reaches from His throne and lifts me to His
chest. He lays His chin on my head. He wraps His arms around me. I snuggle down
into His warmth. I feel Him breathe. I hear His heart beat. And then, one by
one, He shows me the fullest measure of each of my sins.
Each of my sins.
He reveals to me their hideousness. The death each
wrought. The sadness each gave birth to. The relentless ripples of despair each
caused in so many lives.
So many lives.
They are all there before me. One after the other. An endless
lament. And as I watch each scene play out before my eyes, that same sword of
shame sears again into my gut. Excruciating, unrelenting guilt swells over me
like a tsunami. I convulse with unremitting horror at what I’ve done.
If my purgation in heaven is anything like what happened
to me after watching the abortion video, the only reason my spirit will survive
is because I will be snuggled in my Father’s lap. His arms
will enfold me. His warmth will comfort me. His breath will soothe me. His
heart, beating with the gentlest of rhythms, will calm me. With His hand He
will wipe every tear from my eyes, “and there will no longer
be any death; there will no
longer be any mourning, or
crying, or pain . . .” (Revelation 21:4).
Such will be the only
reason I will survive my purgatory.