I wrote this five years
ago. The point still speaks to me, even today, after yet another poor night of
sleep. I hope you find this a good read for yourself, whatever is your own frailty.
4:00 AM. I’d gone to bed only a few hours earlier, setting the
alarm for 6:30. An exhausting day of packing our household goods into boxes
awaited me in the morning. But after a short while of fighting the sheets
and glancing at the clock every few minutes, I realized I’d not be getting any
more sleep that night. The best I could hope for was to doze on and off until
the alarm finally broke my misery.
I
struggle with insomnia. Been fighting a discouraging and losing battle with it
for years. And though I dislike using sleep medication, unless I take something
at night, I wouldn’t get more than a few hours of rest.
But
that night, with such an intense day facing me, my frustration grew with each
passing quarter hour, and I found myself focusing my annoyance – now that I
think back, it was anger – at of all people, God.
“Lord,
if you don’t put me back to sleep,” I threatened (yes, that was what I was
doing), “If you don’t put me back to sleep, I’m not going to read Scripture or
pray when I finally get out of bed.”
I was
like a two-year-old having a temper tantrum.
Most
who know me well think I’m a spiritually mature Christian who knows Jesus on an
intimate level. I pray and read Scripture each morning and evening. I teach a
weekly Bible study, write an evangelistic blog encouraging others to walk more
closely with Christ. I’ve written three books about the love of Jesus – and how
to love Him back. I receive the Holy Eucharist each week at Mass and I try to
live according to Biblical principles.
But
there I was at four in the morning, frustrated and angry with God – and
actually threatening Him that if He didn’t answer my prayer and let me fall
back asleep – well, I would just show Him and thing or two!
My
confession to you embarrasses me.
When I
finally crawled out of bed at 5:30, I padded into the other room, plopped
myself down on the couch, and opened my Bible. I’d been reading two chapters
each morning for nearly four decades and I wasn’t going to stop now. Even if I was
angry with God.
I
should have expected what happened next. Before I got two verses into Genesis
25, I started feeling guilty about what I’d said to God a few hours earlier. Really
guilty. Who do I think I am to rail at God – for any reason – but
especially because He didn’t answer my prayers about going back to sleep?
To
compound my sudden sense of shame, the Holy Spirit reminded me of at least a
dozen Scriptures I’d memorized, Scriptures that spoke directly to my accusation
against God, such as Psalm 44:17-18: All this has come upon us, but we have
not forgotten You, And we have not dealt falsely with Your covenant. Our
heart has not turned back, and our steps have not deviated from Your way.
And,
Habakkuk 3:17-18: Although the fig tree shall not blossom, neither
shall fruit be in the vines; the labor of the olive shall fail, and the fields
shall yield no meat; the flock shall be cut off from the fold, and there shall
be no herd in the stalls: Yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will joy in the God of my
salvation.
It is,
as I wrote a few paragraphs earlier, embarrassing to admit to you what I
consider my significant failure. But I have a wider point to make.
Two
days later, as I periodically rehearsed my temper tantrum and lingering
guilt, the Holy Spirit reminded me of – of all people – St. Peter’s failure as
recorded by St. Paul. You can find it in chapter two of Paul’s letter to the
Galatians. St. Peter – the one chosen by Christ as the first pope – Peter
played the hypocrite when faced with the choice of pleasing Christ, or pleasing
his Jewish friends. In this case, Peter chose poorly. Whereas he used to pal
around with the Gentile converts, when James and the other Jewish apostles
visited town, Peter “held himself aloof” from the Gentiles because he was
afraid of what the apostles would say. So great was his hypocrisy that even
Barnabas – a man known for his benevolence – even Barnabas was swayed to choose
as poorly as did Peter.
So
what’s my point? I have two.
First,
as well as you or I might know the Lord, as close to Him as we might be – sin
is always crouching at our door, and we must be ever alert if we are to
master it. Second – and I think more important – the Lord Jesus assures us in
St. John’s gospel, the Father loves you and me as much as He loves Jesus (John
17:23).
It is
important I say that again. The Father loves you and me as much as He loves
Jesus.
That
means when I – or you, or anyone who is a child of God through faith in
Christ’s blood atonement – when I get frustrated with God, and even when I get
angry with Him – He loves me as much as He loves Jesus.
And
when you sin, He nevertheless loves you just as much as He loves Jesus.
Remorse
for our sins is a good thing. A necessary thing. Remorse should lead us to
confession, and confession always cleanses away the dirt. Perhaps the Psalmist
said it best when he wrote:
The Lord is compassionate and gracious, slow
to anger and abounding in lovingkindness . . . He has not dealt with us
according to our sins, nor rewarded us according to our iniquities. For as high
as the heavens are above the earth, so great is His lovingkindness toward those
who fear Him. As far as the east is from the west, so far has He removed our
transgressions from us.
Just as a father has
compassion on his children, so the Lord
has compassion on those who fear Him. For He Himself knows our frame; He is
mindful that we are but dust. (Psalm 103:8-14)
And so,
Oh, God, help us ever remember your compassion toward us – even though we
angrily accuse you. And help us remember to leave our guilt and remorse in the
confessional and get back to doing the work you’ve called us to do.
Amen.